Letter to EV: Longing

Dear darling,

"There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too.
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird is popping out to say 'cuckoo'."

You are familiar with these lyrics. They are from the song So Long Farewell, from one of our favourite musicals, Sound of Music. 

No no, this absolutely has nothing to do with goodbye.

Well, not really.

As you are saying goodbye to your kindergarten years in a few days’ time, and saying hello to primary school education in slightly over a month’s time, mummy is facing a wave of mixed emotions.

Some of these emotions, I shared about here, in another letter to you.

As the last days of your kindergarten years draw near, as you’ve confidently, and wonderfully danced your heart out during your graduation concert, as you head to your primary school orientation, one feeling reigns dominant.

The feeling of longing.

Longing for my darling to continue enjoying your kindergarten years. Longing for my darling not to start real education or face the stress or pressure that might most likely come with it. Longing for you to always stay happy and bright. Longing for you to never grow up. Longing for time to stand still so that you always stay my little darling. 

I think back to the first days you were born, how you charmed everyone with your bright smile. I loved the way you got into a ‘milk coma’ after drinking milk. I loved hearing your laugh, and watching you suddenly wake up from your sleep the moment you heard the Taiwanese drama serial theme song ‘我问天’. You were really so adorable.

I think back to our first family trip to Hong Kong, how we dined (but not wined) at The Peak Cafe. It was such an overwhelming experience for me. Years ago, when I was younger and used to fly back to Hong Kong to visit your great-grandparents, your great-grandparents used to drive all the way up the windy road to The Peak (then, the Peak was really just a park, with no shopping centre) and we would all have afternoon tea there. Then, The Peak was a peaceful, quiet getaway that the family enjoyed. 

I remember you diligently colouring some cardboard and putting them on your head, as a hat. I remember you painting little egg cartons and making grapes. 

I remember you dancing in front of a mirror in your aunty’s room. You were so cute as you danced, oblivious that your aunt was taking a video of you. Yup, my darling, there’s proof of your cuteness. :)

I remember your first day at your kindergarten. You were so brave and didn’t shed a single tear. Perhaps it’s because you had spent one year in a playgroup before, hence you didn’t feel afraid in a school environment. But you were so independent, and even got on the school bus yourself. Well, mummy sounds so calm recounting this, but did you know that I was a nervous wreck then? I was so worried about you, wondering whether you’d cope. Whether you’ll be able to take the school bus by yourself. Did you know that while you were getting up the bus, mummy and daddy were hiding behind the bushes, and then we rushed home so that we can be there to receive you when your bus reaches? 

Yup, mummy may look calm on the surface, but honestly, I’m shaking inside. I’m a worried wreck, and the fact that your primary school orientation is just around the corner isn’t helping. On that day, you’ll be introduced to your form teachers and perhaps get a few hours’ experience of what primary school life might be like. But I suppose it will be a far cry from what it might really be like come January. Till then, there’s so much to be done: purchasing books and a proper school bag that won’t weigh you down; purchasing necessary stationary; labelling and wrapping your books; purchasing school shoes and so on and so on. Yup, I’m getting worried just thinking about the list of things that has to be done. At least we got your uniform settled.

You know, you have made mummy so proud. Your independence, you looking out for your younger brother and your friends, your gentleness. Though you may be whiny at times, those times when you show understanding catches me by surprise and really shows me your big heartedness.

Most of all, I can’t bear to see you end your pre-school years and enter primary school. It’s a sign that you are growing up, and I just don’t want you to grow up. I love your child-like ways and I long for you to stay that way always.

Don’t want you to start real school so soon, and to always stay my little darling.

Love,

Mummy

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Letter to EV: Preparing Mummy for Primary School

Dear darling,

You’ve reached a significant milestone. Over the past few years in your kindergarten, you have blossomed so much, into a cheerful, bubbly little girl who is so endearing to everyone. And now, this month, mummy will be registering you into a primary school.

We’ve been trying to prepare you in little ways for your primary school journey; we know it will be very different and it’s a totally new experience that you will need to adapt to. In fact, you already had a gut feeling that something was different this year, the way your kindergarten teachers were giving you more regular homework, the way mummy and daddy were trying to get you to finish your homework as soon as you returned from school. I know you are unsure and confused and I see the uncertainty in your eyes. You also can’t help feeling excited for the new experience, because many of your friends will probably be going to the same school.

In fact, my dear, this experience is as new for me as it is for you. 

I still remember a tiny little you, holding you for the first time; you fit nicely into my arms. Now you’re so much bigger, it’s harder to carry you on my lap. I love your first smile, I love the way you danced in front of the mirror, I love the way you bravely went on to the school bus on the first day of pre-nursery when school ended, without mummy or daddy (though we were hiding behind the bushes).

Darling, the past years are precious. Time has flown by too fast; you have grown up too fast. 

As I await for the time to register you into primary school, I’m having mixed feelings. I’m happy to see you grow up, to see you move into the next milestone of your life. Yet, I wish time would stop. I wish you can always fit in my arms so I can hold you tight always and hug you. 

At the same time, I’m apprehensive, and scared. I’ve heard all these horror stories about primary school, the level of stress, the number of graded assignments and assessments, and so on and so forth. I want to prepare you for it, but yet I don’t want to over prepare you. I want you to have the spirit of learning, yet I’m worried that we will be overwhelmed by all the assessments and projects that will have to be done. I’m not sure how I can help you to adapt to a totally brand new environment, with longer hours and more academic demands.

Yet, I just know you have the strength in you to adapt to whatever you may face next year. I believe you can do it.

And you know what? Mummy will be on this journey with you. It’s an unknown path before us, but I’m sure, absolutely confident, that if we walk together and support each other, we can face this challenge together. 

You have me darling, and you always in my heart.

Love,
Mummy

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A Letter to My Kids: My Proposal Story

To my two darlings,

The other day, you read about how I met your father. Today, read all about how I proposed to your father.

Yup, I proposed to your dad. It’s a bit different from the usual conventions.. You may not know now, but soon you’ll know there are certain social expectations of males and females.

Nah, your mummy here isn’t the ‘gender equality’ kind of woman. In fact, I think that there’s no such thing as gender equality. I mean, if there is, then really, females have the equal ability to propose to males too right?

Really, me proposing to your dad isn’t about gender equality. It is because of our situation.

Nope, I didn’t get on my knee or give 999 stalks of roses. I can be romantic, but not that romantic. And I’m not going to waste money on flowers that will die.

As you can see, your mummy isn’t a ‘flower’ kind of person. That’s why your dad has never given me any, except on our wedding day. (Though secretly, I do hope that someday he gives me a bouquet just once. Ok, that’s contrary to what I said before, but then, women can be such confusing people sometimes, you’ll understand one day).

You know from the little poem how your daddy and I were good friends for a very long time, and after some time of having our own relationships, we somehow found each other.

I guess when we did, we kind of knew we were stuck with each other for life. Not many words were exchanged, but we knew we had found our other half.

Still, confirmation was needed. I mean, I wasn’t getting any younger at that time.

And I told him so. Yup, I was pretty direct, and I said something along the lines of, do you want to marry me and if so, please give me a sign so I don’t have to wait aimlessly.

He did; he spoke to his mother, your grandmother, of my existence, and a while later, we had moved on to the ‘meet the parents’ stage.

That was pretty nerve wrecking (you’ll understand why in future; I promise, I won’t torment your boyfriend, as long as he treats you proper). We survived that together, as your daddy and I were committed. 

We were determined to marry each other, and so, with our parents'  blessings, and their agreement to not hold an extremely expensive wedding banquet, the preparation process for an adventure of a lifetime began.

We started off the journey as friends, soulmates, and we’ve continued it with yet another more exciting life adventure. A life adventure that includes our most precious: you, my darlings.

We may have our squabbles, as any married couples do.  Know that your mummy and daddy love each other deeply. Always.

Your mummy

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This is part of a 'Proposal Stories' blog train hosted by Michelle of The Chill Mom where fellow mum bloggers reminisce our proposal stories. 

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How I Met Your Father

A poem to my two precious about how I met their father:

My little darlings
How did I meet your daddy
This is our story

Twenty-five years back
At a campfire we met
In the mid of June

With floppy long hair
A loud booming voice, he wrote
I love all of you

Teenagers we were
His friend caught my eye, not he
T’was young puppy love

So daring me called
We met at old library
Lunch at Burger King

Your daddy and I
Hit it off extremely well
Fast pals we became

Midnight calls till 3
Nothing we could not confide
He was my soul mate

Then I went away
To study far down under
We drifted apart

We led our own lives
Apart, not knowing, two souls
Waiting to find each other

Lost and bruised, weary
Life likes to throw a curveball
We met, nothing changed

Still best friends, soul mates
Yet we know it's not the same
We’ll be more than that

Look left, look right, straight
Years searching for just the One
He's just beside me

And so together
We start a life adventure
From friends to couple

My little darlings
That's how I met your daddy
My soul mate for life

To my husband, soul mate and best friend of over twenty-five years, nothing is the same without you. Thanks for being my pillar of support back then, now and for many years to come.

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This post is part of the "How I Met Your Father" blog train hosted by Michelle of The Chill Mom, where fellow mum bloggers reminisce our love stories and share how we met the daddy of our kids.

 

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A Week in the Life of a Blogging Mum

Time passes so very fast. We are almost in May. Honestly, I have not been blogging much the past few months. The heart is willing but the body is tired. From the organizing the kids’ birthday party in January to preparing for Chinese New Year, to clear in the house for the 10-day HDB toilet upgrading and cleaning up the mess after, it's been a terribly busy start to 2016. That of course is on top of juggling work and being a mum. And now as I'm typing this, I'm down with the flu bug that I tend to get every year around this time. Think my body is asking me to slow down. 

Minus all the ‘distractions’ that we had this year, what is a typical week like for me? What do I have to do that keeps me busy, besides looking after kids who don't even let me have 5 minutes of peace to shower?

Work

First and foremost, there's work, from Monday's to Fridays. The days typically start at 530am, when I prepare myself, squeeze in 15 minute of yoga, then wake the kids up and prepare them. After getting them on the bus at 705am, the hubby drops me off at work. Then it's trying to get as many things done as possible within the working hours, so that I can try and go home without thinking about work. On long days, I don't get home till 630pm, but there are good days when I can reach home around 3pm, and that's when I try to do home learning with them.

Homelearning

The kids are happiest when I can get home early, because it means painting or messy or crafting time. I treasure these moments too, when seeing their smiles just brightens everything up. I admit, this year we have been doing less, with what have been happening at home, and also with the increased homework and spelling (both English and Chinese) that EV has been getting from her kindergarten to prepare her for primary 1. But I try to make it fun for her where possible, for example create letter cards and dump them into her sensory bin so she gets messy and learns her spelling at the same time. And because AA likes to do whatever EV is doing, I do simple CVC letter cards for his sensory bin too. 

Still, I know that I can do more. After this flu bug goes away, I have to. And I will. Ganbatte!!!

Alternative Activities

My two kids do go for activities outside of their kindergarten. Both have music, Abacus, phonics on weekdays, and swimming, Berries (Chinese) and Shichida on weekends. EV’s music lesson is near our home, so transport is not a problem. It's the same for the Abacus lessons, which both EV and AA attend. I'll usually bring both kids for their phonics lessons after work, and I also accompany AA on the day of his music lesson. These days are also when I try to get the grocery shopping done.

Saturdays are designated swimming days. That happens in the morning, after which we head over to my mum’s place to spend the rest of the day. That's also where the kids attend their Berries class. 

We head to Shichida lessons on Sunday mornings. Both kids have been attending this since they were one year old. Beneficial? Well, both kids have great memory, but I really cannot tell if this is thanks to Shichida or thanks to their own ability. Both enjoy the class though, so that's why we've been at it for such a long time.

Wind down time

Every night, since EV was in my tummy, I have been reading to her. The habit continued with AA. Now, there’s no way that I can sleep until I read at least one book to each of them. Even though EV can read on her own now, and does sometimes read to her brother, she still enjoys me reading to her, whether it’s fiction or non-fiction books. 

Us Time

How do we squeeze in time for ourselves? Where possible, I try to do yoga one or two hours a week, but there are times when I don’t do yoga for weeks at a stretch. At the same time, I also try to squeeze in a few laps while EV is having her swimming lessons, provided AA doesn’t insist on sticking to me.

And then couple time. Well, to be honest, there’s not much, but we do try to arrange our times so we have some time away from work and kids. Normally, we’ll go for late night movies after the kids are asleep. Recently, we managed an impromptu date after hubby picked me up from work, and we had some pretty unhealthy food washed down by a few bottles of cider. Yeah, not very healthy. But for the couple time we enjoyed, I think it’s worth it.

Blogging

So, how do I squeeze in blogging time? Granted, the busy period that we had the first few months of this year rendered it almost impossible to find much time to blog, as I’m usually exhausted physically and mentally to write anything. And I guess the life of a blogging, full-time working mother is like that, at least, for me. 

Even without the crazy upgrading and what not, it’s no easy feat to juggle work, kids and home learning. I will usually do up my posts after the kids fall asleep, so that I can fully focus on what I’m doing. 

Unknown to many people, except for fellow bloggers, posting a post is more complicated than it sounds. 

First, the content of the post needs to be conceptualised. What am I going to write about? Is it going to be a review? Or perhaps am I going to share about home learning activities? Or maybe I want to write about this great adventure we had? 

Once that’s done, images need to be taken and then edited. And of course, words have to be written.

All of these take time. The sad thing is, many people think that writing a blog post is as quick as snapping one’s fingers. The truth is, it takes time, and effort, to maintain a blog. So if I can’t do it after the kids fall asleep on the weekdays, then I will find time on the weekends to do so. Rare days when I can leave work much earlier than usual are extremely precious to me; I will usually head to the library or a cafe and catch up on my posts.

Despite the time required for blogging, do I still enjoy it? You bet I do! Though I’m more selective of what I blog these days, I still enjoy the creative process immensely. I guess I’m still very much a writer at heart.

So there, my typical week in a nutshell. It seems the same week after week, but the kids and hubby keep me going, with much laughter and tumbles every day.

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This post is part of a blog hop where fellow Singapore Parent Bloggers share a week in their lives. Peek into the life of 29 other families over at Week In Life of Blogging Mum and Dad, including

Meiling, a mom blogger at Universal Scribbles who shares about her parenting adventures with her two children while juggling the various roles as mom, tutor, coach and trainer. Check out how her week goes in a week of a blogging mom.

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Thank you for reading. If you like this post, please do connect with me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, so I can share our fun adventures, thoughts and exploits with you. 

2015 - an emotional life adventure

2015 has been extremely emotional for me. I don’t remember being on such a roller coaster, even when pregnant. Yet, at the same time, it has showed me that I’m so blessed. I guess that’s the irony of life.

While still reeling from the freak accident I had last year,, my dear paternal grandmother had a life endangering stroke. I hobbled to Hong Kong to see her. It was an emotional trip - if I hadn't had the accident, I could have visited her in December, and chat with her the way we used to. I could have heard her call me by my nickname again.

Still, I was glad I got to see her, though she was in a coma. I knew she knew I was there, massaging her and talking to her. I was comforted that I managed to do that for her.

Then I found out that a secondary school friend, a year younger than me, died suddenly, leaving behind three young kids. I see her sometimes now, at the columbarium where my maternal grandparents are, and I say hi. And I'm reminded, life is so fragile; one can go when one least expects it.

Then my paternal grandmother passed away, and while back in Hong Kong to attend her funeral, an accident similar to mine happened. The lady victim died. And I realised: I could have died that fateful night in October.

Again, I'm reminded, just how lucky I am to be able to hold my little darlings every day. Nothing is more important than your loved ones. 

Those few months were difficult, physically as well as emotional. Physically because I had to get back on my feet again. Emotionally because of the shock and grief I had to go through. Psychologically too because I still keep away from trucks and avoid bus stops.

But I’m slowly healing. 

Mostly, I’m grateful.

Grateful for a supportive family, who stood by me and watched out for me when it was nearing the one year anniversary of my accident. They made sure I was fine.

Grateful for my pillar of strength, my husband. Without him, I don’t think I could have gone through this myself. 

Grateful that, while the leg still hurts, especially during rainy days (not sure if this is a coincidence), and gets stiff when I sit too long, and may never be what it was before, I can still walk and bring my little two darlings out and about.

Grateful for being alive. 

In 2016, I hope that everyone I love and care for will be happy and healthy.

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Thank you

Note: This is going to be a rather long post about the wonderful people I've met in my life since October last year. If you're interested to find out more, please read on. Thank you for reading this heartfelt 'thank you' post.

I believe in angels. Everyone of us has an angel, some of whom we know, some of whom we don't, some suddenly appear in our lives during times of trouble to give us a boost.

Like those in the medical field, like doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, paramedics, anyone. In my opinion, they are angels in white. They are on call most of the time, looking after the sick and injured. In addition, they have to deal with worried family members, who can be quite nasty. Definitely, to have a loved one fall sick or get injured can be rather frustrating, emotionally, psychologically and physically, but really, there's no need to take it out on medical professionals. All they are doing is to care for their charges.

It's amazing how these angels in white do their job with a smile on their faces, all the time. It's amazing how they reach out to the people who really need their help, and give them a much needed boost, at the most unexpected times. They may be frustrated, but they try their best not to show it. And when someone shows appreciation, you can tell that they appreciate it. 

Exactly one year ago tonight, I had the most freak accident one can imagine. I could have very well lost my life, as is evidenced by a similar case in Hong Kong about 5 months later, where the victim died. I didn’t, and throughout my recovery till today, I met some awesome white angels whom I’m grateful for. From the ambulance paramedics and the doctors in the emergency room, to the doctor who operated on me and the nurses who looked after me in the ward, to the care I received from the doctors and physiotherapists after I got discharged, these medical professionals have been crucial in aiding in my recovery, physically. Psychologically, well, that is something I need to work on. But without the care and concern of the medical professionals I've met since October last year, I guess it would have been even more difficult.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank these angels in white who have helped me on my road to recovery, in one way or another.

- the paramedics, thank you for your support and reassurance while I was feeling very lost by the road and through the bumpy and painful ride. 

- the emergency room doctors, thank you for trying to relieve my pain as much as you could, as you x-rayed my thigh and tried to straighten it as much as possible. Thank you for understanding the amount of pain I was in.

- Adjunct Associate Professor Dr Ernest Kwek, Chief of Orthopaedic Trauma Surgery, Tan Tock Seng Hospital, thank you for operating on me. It was truly my lucky day, or night, when I found out that the head of the department himself would be operating on me the next day. Up from the operation till now, thank you to you and your team for ensuring that the metal rod was well-placed in my thigh bone and that the bone fracture is healing. Thank you for your encouragement and believing that getting back on my two feet would be an easy feat.

- the nurses in the ward, thank you for your care and concern during my stay. I know you had many patients to look after, and were very busy. But you tried to help make me as comfortable as possible before my operation, and after it, you helped the bedridden me and taught me how to look after myself.

- the physiotherapists at the ward and at the clinic, thank you for teaching me how to walk again, and helping me to strengthen my leg. It's still somewhat weak, depending on what I do, and I'll know it will never ever be the same as before. Still, I'm working on it, and hopefully, I'll get my injured leg back to what it was before, as much as possible.

I would also like to thank those at the scene of the accident. Thank you for calling the ambulance, thank you for looking out for me, and offering me water and tissue. Thanks for making sure the truck driver stopped and alighted. Simple gestures like these, and your reassurances made those few agonizing long minutes easier to bear.

I must not forget my family who have supported me with their love and concern. To my mum, dad, bro, sis and the rest of the family, thank you. During our trips to Hong Kong to visit our then critically ill grandmummy, thank you for looking out for me, while I was 'bai ka' and using crutches. 

Thanks to my wonderful helper. With me injured and unable to walk properly, she not only had to help look after the kids, but me as well. She even made sure I avoided certain foods like crabs and so on, which apparently, are not good for bone healing, or something like that. Thank you also to my parents-in-law. Thank you for keeping the kids entertained and bringing them out, since I couldn't do it at all.

And most of all, I want to thank DaddySay. During my recovery, you took over the parenting of EV and AA, so that I could recover well. You ensured that the kids understood I was injured and therefore they needed to be extra careful around me. You brought me for my medical appointments, especially in the first few months. You pushed me in my wheelchair, you stood by me when I walked with crutches, you were my pillar of support during the difficult time. You are and always will be my pillar of strength, my BFF. Without you, I think I would have faced even more difficulties. 

To my little kids EV and AA, thank you both for your understanding and love, for understanding that mummy couldn't bring you out even though I really wanted to, for willingly joining mummy on the bed and play. EV, thank you for understanding mummy's fear of bus stops and big trucks, and thank you for holding my hand last Saturday, assuring me that you will hold my hand tight and be by my side while you led me to walk past the bus stop. I still don't dare walk past the whole bus stop, but I managed a bit. It's a start, and I couldn't have done it without you.

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who have helped me in my ongoing recovery. I assure you that I will stay strong. Thank you.

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A busy mummy's me-time indulgences

Reading for the whole day or night, watching so many movies that it's easy to run out, going for long dips in the pool, enjoying drinks with friends. Oh, how I miss the days before mummyhood. 

Yes, that's something I honestly admit to. I'm not afraid of doing so, and I'm not about to lie to myself that I do not miss my single days. Being a mummy meant that I had to give up much of my previous lifestyle. Of course, I can definitely continue to do what I used to do, but honestly, as many mummies can identify with, it's not easy to do so. It's no longer possible to just go out, just like that. There are many things, many responsibilities to consider, the most important of which is to ensure that the kids are looked after. Even if it's just some personal quiet time to read, it's not that easy anymore because the kids are just too energetic and demanding. Even my escapade to the toilet is rather tough; somehow, the kids refuse to give me any peace even when I'm in the shower, despite telling them before hand that mummy needs to clean up.

Despite the busy-ness of being a mummy, as I've shared in two Day In The Life posts here and here, I do try to squeeze in some mummy me-time here and there. It's part of the 15 things I told myself I'd do differently this year. Whenever I can enjoy any precious mummy me-time, these are the activities that I like to do.

- Read. I enjoy being transported into a different world, even if it's just for a few minutes. My favourite author these couple of years is Clive Cussler, and it's easy to get lost in the thrilling adventures of Dirk Pitt, the Fargoes and Juan Carbillo. Other thrilling reads I love include Haruki Murakami, Laura Joh Rowland and Barry Eisler. Recently, I’m hooked on to this very engaging two-part book about a young boy named Vango. 

- Play the piano. Listening to music has a captivating and relaxing effect; playing music can be liberating. Besides music that I personally like, I also make sure that I have enough me-time to practice my exam pieces.

- Writing. I like writing about my day, my feelings, writing peoms and so on. I admit that I don't do enough and I should do more. I'm now embarking on a journey to set aside 15 minutes to write about anything that comes to my mind. I hope that this will help me re-connect with my creative self.

- Writing for the blog. When I have a few hours in the day, I like to go somewhere quiet, have a drink and some food, and write posts or edit photos for the blog. 

- Yoga & swimming. My only way to stay active, other than chasing after the kids. Listening to the lapping of the pool water and slowing down my breathing are quite therapeutic, and calms me down before I face my boisterous kids.

- Rock wall climbing. This is something that I just picked up, so I'm still at the beginner's wall.  I'm not taking any course, but am just going whenever I have the time. Extreme? Yeah, kind of. Let's just say I wanted to do something out of the ordinary after my freak accident, I guess to prove myself that I can do it, despite the injury. I hope to go more often, sometimes by myself, sometimes with the kids.

- Watch Hong Kong drama. In the middle of the night, when the kids and  DaddySay are asleep, it's 'bou ket' (literally, 'cook drama' in Cantonese). My record? Watching till 4am, and then waking up 3 hours later to bring the kids out. I was a zombie!

- Watch a movie, go for a concert. I don't do this enough, and I would like to do more. I sometimes like to watch a movie or go for a concert myself. It's rather therapeutic, and lets me be by myself for a short while to recharge.

Like now, I’m stealing a little me-time after putting AA to sleep, to write and upload this post, and just take a short breather. It’s one of those quiet times that I love and treasure most. 

What do you do during your me-time? 

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This post is part of the Mummy's Me-Time blog train, hosted by Danessa of Prayerfull Mum.

Tomorrow, Cheryl of Privikids will share her me-time indulgences. Taking a bold step in running PriviKids, a multi-brand kids apparel and lifestyle store founded by her husband & herself, Cheryl juggles her role as mummy to 4 year old Aiden and 1.5 year old Ava and all aspects of the business. Thanks to her supportive & super husband as well as support from her parents as caretakers of the kids, she is able to take on her passion in life. Find out more about their family and experiences at PriviKids.

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When a traumatic experience means a long road to recovery

Yes, this is a post related to the recent tragedy on Mount Kinabalu. No, this is not going to be a post looking for someone to blame, because it was an accident caused by a unexpected natural disaster. No amount of preparation can prepare for that. No one wants this to happen, not any parent, not any teacher, not any school, not anyone. No, neither is this going to be one declaring the teachers and guides as heroes. In my opinion, every single one who went through this ordeal is a hero, and this includes their family, friends, yes, and even the authorities.

My heart goes out to those who did not survive. Whether they are 12 or 29, the snuffing of life, whether at a young age, or at an age when one has a young family, is heartbreaking. It is unfair.

My heart goes out to the survivors, to the family and friends of those who did not come back. My heart goes out especially to those students who had to experience the earthquake and witness  with their own eyes their friends and teachers being hit by the large boulders. My heart goes out to those students whose teacher asked them to stay under the overhang, and then went out to help others, but never came back.

Their physical injuries will heal, but the psychological recovery could take a very very long time.

I can't say I understand how they feel, because I've never experienced an earthquake before.

But I can understand the stress that traumatic experiences bring, because I've been through one such experience last year. It's been seven months, and I'm still recovering. Thinking about the accident can still make me tear. I know how close I was to losing my life. That reality sunk in even more when I was in Hong Kong for my grandmummy's funeral. A similar accident happened, a wheel flew off from a mini bus, and the lady who got hit died. If the wheel that hit me had hit a few inches higher, I may not be here anymore. 

Till today, I still fear loud noises. I still tense up when I see big trucks. I still refuse to stand at any bus stops. If I have to walk by a bus stop, I would walk behind, as far as possible. I have not taken a bus since that day.

To some what I am experiencing may be considered minor compared to the earthquake. But if an adult like me is still trying to recover from the psychological effects of what was traumatic to me after seven months, the road to recovery will be all the more challenging for 12 year old children who went through an earthquake and witnessed their friends become victims of it. Effects may not be immediate, but may manifest for some time before surfacing. What's more worrying is the possibility that they may not speak up, because they are not sure how to handle it. Even finding someone to confide in may be difficult because, well, not many people have gone through the same experiences.

They will get over it and get on with life, but the process might be long, might be difficult, and some might have it easier than others. This experience will definitely leave a scar, no matter how big. They will need all the support and understanding they can get.

So while we are sitting in the comfort of our homes, following the news and trying to make sense of all that has happened, let us remember that the survivors will not have an easy path to recovery. That day on the mountain, the 'what ifs' will forever haunt them. The family and friends of those who have passed on will not have it easy either, as they battle with thoughts of what could have been.

So let's all be understanding and supportive. Let's show everyone who was affected by it that we care. Even though we may be quiet, even though we're doing it from afar.

To the survivors and family and friends of those who have passed on, be strong, be brave, but know too, that it is not necessary to be strong 100% of the time. It is ok to break down and let it out. That is also part of the healing.

Photo credit

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Time travelling is not for me

I love my life, but there are times when I wish I could turn back time. If I could travel back in time, I would wish for the following.

Hold my babies when they were teeny tiny babies, once again. I miss their baby smells. I miss the special closeness I have with them when I was breastfeeding them.

Get married earlier. So that my maternal grandmother, who passed away suddenly in 2005 and left us in utter shock, who always wished to see her oldest grandchild get married and have children, can see and love EV and AA. She would be so tickled by them, and would shower lots of love on them, like she did on me.

Go hiking with my paternal Grandmummy (who passed away earlier this year), and let her whoop my ass. She whooped my younger sis' ass when they went hiking at some mountain in China. Sis was 11, Grandmummy was 75. 

Go Beijing with my maternal Grandmummy. Many years ago, when I was studying in uni, we had agreed to go. However, because the rest of the clan wanted to go too, and my holidays then just didn't coincide with the rest, I had to sacrifice. Grandmummy never forgot, but we never had a chance to make the trip, partly because something else always seemed more important. Sigh... I did however make a trip to Shanghai with her to attend her nephew's (or niece's, I can't remember) wedding (one I will never forget as I had two 20-course meals in one day) and to pay respects to her parents, my great grandparents. At least I made the trip, but I often wish...

Be a grandchild again. As you can see from my previous wishes, I miss my grandparents very much. So very much. A lump can't help but form in my throat as I remember each and every one of them. No matter when they passed on, 27 years ago, or just two months ago, I think of them every single day.

Have more me-time. Yes, when the going gets tough and too hectic, I do think back to my carefree single life, when I could read a book whenever I want, exercise as many times as I want, go travelling alone. As I've shared previously, I'm not guilty feeling this way. I strongly believe that it's sane to want some time away from parenting to do what one likes. It makes me treasure parenting and my little darlings even more.

Be more of a risk taker. In my younger days, that is. Maybe it’s because of the way I was brought up. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest. I’ve had the understanding that going by the safe route is always better. It is, in certain ways, but sometimes leaves me thinking: Oh, perhaps that would be fun. Perhaps I should have done that. Now, as a parent, I still can I suppose, in only measured doses.

There, my life as it could have been. If I could turn back the clock. Reminds me of the song by Johnny Hates Jazz. My time, a generation ago. 

But you know, I wouldn’t want to travel back in time, even if someone gave me a million dollars. Without being what I am, without going through what I had gone through, I would not be on the life path that I am on now. My life may not be perfect, but it fits me just fine.

How about the power to travel to the future you say? Nah... I'll just take the bull by the horns and charge!! Come what may.

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This post is part of the “If I were a Time Traveller” blog train hosted by MadPsychMum click on the button to time travel with 20 other mummies and find out where are our time travel hot spots!

Next up on the blog train is Jolin from The Js Arena. Jolin is a blessed mother to a loving hubby and two adorable boys. The Js Arena is where she captures and documents memories of her motherhood and parenting journey. She has just taken on her new role as a full-time mother. Join her tomorrow as she shares what she would do with her time travelling machine.

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10 activities a big kid wants to do with her grandparents

Today and tomorrow, I bid farewell to 嫲嫲. The petite grand old dame on my paternal side is truly gone, and with her, every single one of my grandparents. The four of them must be in heaven now, having a game of mahjong, looking down from heaven and engaged in a happy discussion about their kids, grandkids and great grandkids.

Having waited for almost a month to say my final goodbye, I can't bear the thought of never seeing her again. Of never hearing her voice, of never holding her hand. I know I should be celebrating her life, for she lived till 89. I should be happy that she is finally with my paternal grandfather, after being apart for 27 years. But it's hard, it's painful. How do you say goodbye to someone who was such a tremendous influence on your life? Her big heartedness, her open mindedness, her understanding nature are all that I treasure dearly. Her willingness to accept you for who you are, no matter what religion or views you have, is something I've tried to emulate in my daily lives. 

I wished I was able to spend more time with her. That fact that we lived in different countries made that difficult, but that has not prevented us from forging a close bond. 

Similarly with my other grandparents, the bond with them was close. The love is undeniable. I still miss each and everyone of them today. 

As a grandchild whose grandparents have passed on, here are 10 activities I still really want to do with them.

See them hold EV and AA. Nothing is more heartwarming than to see a great-grandparent and a great grandchild together. Sadly, only my paternal grandmother managed to see them. If only my other grandparents, especially my maternal grandmother, had the opportunity to see them. They would adore the two kids so very much.

Cook with them. Or rather, disturb them in the kitchen, but still get away with it because, well, simply because I’m the grandchild.

Watch news with them. Comment about world affairs and learn from their wisdom.

Go travelling with them. Go to their hometown in China with them. A grandparent-grandchild holiday can create special memories.

Be cheeky and tease them. Well, because grandchildren have a special knack of doing that and giving grandparents endless joys.

Give them massages.

Hold their hands. I miss their wrinkled hands.

Have long heart-to-heart talks, about anything under the sun.

Laugh with them. Those goofy, toothless smiles sure make me smile.

Be a grandchild again, and hear them calling me by my nickname in Shanghainese and Teochew.

To my dearest 爷爷，嫲嫲， 公公，阿婆. Miss you. Love you. Always and forever.

And to 嫲嫲, the kids' 太婆婆. I will always remember that first bowl of porridge you cooked for me when I was six months old. Thank you for giving EV the nickname of 大家姐; she is indeed one. Thank you for letting me be me. I will always be that little girl who followed you around the kitchen. 安心上路吧! 

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A tribute, of a different kind

As the title suggests, this is going to be a tribute of a different kind, not what one would expect, I think. So if your gut feeling tells you you don't want to read this, then please feel free to click to another page.

Right now, I should be mourning the passing of Singapore’s founding father, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. I should be joining the rest of the nation in sharing how devastated I am that he’s gone, write a tribute of how great a leader he is, and so on.

I’m not.

Make no mistake. I do think he’s a great leader. In fact, I am thankful to him. Without him and his beliefs in education, I wouldn't have enjoyed an English education. Without him, I wouldn't have a life I’m leading now. Without him, my kids won’t be able to enjoy the greenery around us and be able to play in the playground safely. We wouldn't have water running from our taps; we wouldn't have the many opportunities that we have now.

In fact, my grandmother, though she lived in Hong Kong and may not always agree with the policies he passed, always had the opinion that Mr Lee Kuan Yew is a good man, a great individual with intellect and character, and that there will never be another person like him.

However, I am not mourning him. I’m certainly sad because I know without him, I would not have a home. But I’m not mourning him. This is because I’m grappling with another life event that’s closer to my heart.

I’m mourning the passing of my grandmother, who left us earlier this month.

It’s ironic, really. She has been gone for some time now, but yet, I haven’t said my final goodbyes. In fact, I’ll be saying goodbye to her next week, after the nation says goodbye to our founding father.

Yup, you read right. My grandmother’s funeral is only happening next week, because we had to hunt for a funeral hall and queue for a crematorium.

Which makes me even more grateful towards Mr Lee, for he had the foresight to build HDB flats with void decks and to ensure all other funeral facilities are efficiently managed, so that the people can say their final goodbyes immediately after their loved ones have passed on. So that they can move on with life. 

In some ways, I think this is a reflection of Mr Lee’s resilience. He’s telling us that whenever one meets a low point in life, no matter how difficult, one has to bounce back and find the strength to move on.

Yet, move on is not something that I can do. For the past several weeks, I’ve been in a kind of limbo. While my head knows my grandmother is gone, my heart doesn’t seem to want to accept the reality. The fact that we live in different countries, plus the long wait for the wake and funeral, has made it all seem extremely surreal, like it’s not happening at all. 

But I know it’s real. I know she’s not around any more. But the reality has not yet sunk in deep enough for me to grieve and move on. Since news of Mr Lee’s passing, I’ve been deliberately reading the news with an objective eye, refusing to let my emotions get the better of me. I’ve even avoided reading too many articles about him. I’m afraid that I would instinctively think of my grandmother and my tears would fall, and fall uncontrollably.

Should I mourn for him? I suppose I should. I suppose I should join the rest of my compatriots and mourn, let my tears fall and start my healing process. But then how can I? When the wake and funeral of one who has shaped me as an individual is just one day after that of a person who gave me my home?

I know my seemingly stoic strength isn’t going to last long. With her funeral looming, it’s getting harder and harder to keep a dry eye, though I try, very hard. It’s easier because I’m here and I’m still busy. Once I sit on the plane and fly across borders to bid my goodbye, as the country is wearing black and saying goodbye to a great man, it’s a different story. I know the floodgates would open, and it’ll be hard to close them. But I know I’ll move on, no matter how difficult it will be. 

That would also be what my strong and independent grandmother, a little old lady who lived 27 years alone because she wanted us to lead our own lives, who showed me that family ties is more important than religion, would want.

Love you 嫲嫲. Always and forever.

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Yes, I miss my dinner dates

Just the other day, a friend asked me: Do I miss it? We were having dinner and drinks, and I thought she was asking whether I missed such dinner dates with friends as a result of my career change. I told her that I didn’t. I mean, such dinner dates mean more money spent and money is something that I need to be careful with.

Returning home, I gave her question a deeper thought. Do I miss it? And then I realise, I do. 

I miss being able to meet friends after work and have a leisurely meal and chat? I miss being able to go for movies whenever I want. I miss being able to exercise regularly without worrying about the need to rush home. I miss being able to enjoy me-time whenever I want.

In a nutshell, I miss being single. Or rather, I miss life before kids.

Yes I do. I won’t deny that. If people say that your life won’t change after having kids, they’re lying. Life will change once kids arrive. There are so much more things to consider, like do they have someone to look after them? 

Going out is no longer a spur of the moment. Lots of planning have to be done to ensure that the kids have a babysitter. You need to let the hubby know, the helper know, the in-laws know. Heck, you even need to plan exactly what time you go out so that the kids won’t see you and prevent you from leaving the house. Then if you’re the one responsible for bringing the kids for enrichment classes, meeting friends on those days are a absolute no-no.

So yes, I do miss being able to meet friends, have a drink or two, and share a salad and a platter of ribs and sausages. And when I do meet them, I enjoy myself. Who wouldn’t?

But a mother is a mother. Barely minutes into the dinner, and you’re checking your mobile to make sure that you don’t have any missed calls. When the dinner conversation turns to your kids, your excitement is obvious.

Because nothing beats having the tiny loves of your life hugging you and smothering you with kisses. Nothing beats wrestling with them on the bed, reading, painting and doing silly things with them.

I may miss those dinner dates, but I miss my kids, my hubby more. You are my everything.

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Thank you for a blessed life adventure

This was how our wedding invitation began. Time passes so extremely fast, when we made a vow, a decision to love each other and look after each other, come what may, six years ago. 

What an exciting life adventure we have had so far. We became parents very quickly, exactly one day after our first wedding anniversary. Yups, I spent my first wedding anniversary in pain and screaming my head off. But nothing could beat the feeling of holding our first born EV in our arms. AA quickly came two years later.

It's been an eventful adventure with ups and downs. We didn't just have to look after ourselves, our relationship, but also our kids, our family and our home. We spent days agonising whenever EV or AA fell ill, and that period when AA was admitted into hospital several times, that was tough. We witnessed our little baby go through a series of tests, from MRI to lumbar puncture, trying to figure out what is the trigger. It was painful watching his tiny body hooked up to machines. But we went through it, together, and came out stronger.

This adventure wouldn't be the same without DaddySay. It's because of him that the adventure is what it is. I'm eternally grateful for this man, my pillar of strength, my soulmate. Someone whom I've known for more than half my life.

Especially in the last three months. It has been an extremely difficult time for me. On the surface, I seemed fine. I face my kids with a smile, I take extra effort to teach the kids since I couldn’t get out at all, I blog as normal. My supposing chirpiness is enough to fool everyone that everything is fine and dandy. Because well, I have to be strong for her kids, family and relatives. The only person who has any idea of just how depressed I was feeling is DaddySay. He's the only one who has seen my tears.

The first life changing event that happened to me was the freak accident, which I shared here. I still do ask why it happened to me, and I'm still afraid of going to bus stops, especially that particular bus stop. But overall, it's slowly getting better. Or so I hoped.

Just when I thought things were looking up a bit, another devastating totally unexpected event happened. My beloved grandmummy suffered a stroke on January 10 (exactly four weeks ago), a very serious one that required me to rush back to Hong Kong despite my ‘bai kar’ (or ‘injured leg’). Ok, so I had preferential, priority treatment at the airport, being wheeled direct from the check-in counter to the plane. but this was not the way I wanted to go back to Hong Kong. I wouldn’t travel this way if I had a choice. But I had to go back, had to go back to visit 嫲嫲, before it was too late. 

I stepped into the flat that she had been staying alone in for the past 25 years or so since granddaddy passed away (she has always been a strong and independent woman), and I spied the photo that me, DaddySay and the kids took with her when we went back in 2012. Tears welled up, but I stopped myself from crying, because my mum and sister and brother were there. In fact, for the next few days, I kept my tears to myself, never allowing anyone to see them whenever they fell as I stood next to my grandmummy’s hospital bed. I am the oldest of my generation, and I needed to be strong for my parents, siblings and relatives. I wanted so much to have DaddySay by my side, to hug and to hold. He wasn't there physically, but was there in spirit as he sent me encouraging messages and pictures of the kids. He sprung into action to be both daddy and mummy during this period and I'm grateful.

I left Hong Kong feeling sad, but comforted that I at least saw my grandmummy, held her hand and massaged her. Then at the Hong Kong airport waiting for the flight back, I received another shocking news. A secondary school junior had passed away the day before, after being admitted into hospital three days prior, leaving behind three young children. It was a utter shock. We were not close, but we do have some similarities, like how we were both in public relations, and how her two younger kids are the same age as mine. It made it so much more depressing. What if it were me? Would I be ready to go? How would my family handle it?

Receiving two sudden and tragic news within the span of a week was enough to get me emotionally off track. Depressed, devastated, the thoughts that went through my head were of how life is so fragile and unpredictable, why must things happen this way, why must loved ones be taken away so suddenly, without warning? Even if one tries to live life to the fullest, a sudden illness or passing of a loved one can render one so extremely helpless, and feeling hopeless too. 

Then thoughts turn to my accident and I’ll ask again, why me? Why was it me who got hit? Why couldn’t the wheel just roll by and mind its own business instead of homing in on me? Why must I go through the extremely painful experience (worse than giving birth) of the A&E doctor pulling my leg straight to try and set the bone. Why must I spend agonising months to learn how to walk again?

Then I remember, oh gosh, I am so blessed. If the wheel had hit anywhere else, I might not be here, typing this. Something sudden and unexpected did happen to me, but I’m here. Hobbling with crutches, yes, but blessed to be hobbling around. Blessed to be able to hold DaddySay and tell him how much I love him. Blessed to be able to hold my kids close, to love them, play with them and laugh with them. 

I’m so blessed to be alive. I'm so blessed to have DaddySay right beside me during this difficult part of our life adventure.

I know the next few months will not be easy either, as long as grandmummy remains in a coma. The doctor says that on a range of 1 to 10, her recovery chances are absolutely slim, at 1. I’m fearful of receiving a Whatsapp message or a phone call, because I’m scared of the news it will bring. I so want to go back and see her again.

I know I have to be strong, because life will always be fragile and unpredictable.

That’s why I have to treasure the people around me even more. I’m so blessed to be alive and be showered by their love.

Thank you DaddySay, for all your love and support. I love you.

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15 in 2015: What I'm going to do differently

Everyone talks about making resolutions at the start of each new year. To be honest, I've never been one to make resolutions, because I know I will have difficulty keeping to them. When Rachel of catchfortywinks initiated this 15 in 2015 blog train, I decided to take up the challenge. Rather than just resolutions, unrealistic goals that I know I most likely will not keep, this blog train challenges me to think about the ‘how’. What practical, positive changes can I make to my and my family’s lives? How will I do things differently?

The one hope that I have is for me and my family to be happy and healthy. These two words are the inspiration for the 15 things I want to do differently this year.

A happy & healthy me

Look after myself more

Eat more healthily - even more greens and fruits and less carbohydrates. Do more facial masks... when the kids are asleep. Do not forget to put sun block before going out. A mum of two doesn't have to look frumpy.

More yoga and swimming

Since the birth of AA, my exercise routine has been quite dreadful. Last year, I started a daily routine of yoga at home, plus a weekly visit to a yoga studio or a run. But my accident changed all that. I've not been moving, except for the physiotherapy exercises and I am feeling sluggish. I have to get moving, and I'm glad to say that the doctor just gave me the go ahead to do some light yoga and swimming. Yey!! Water here I come!

Less bubble tea

Ah... This is my one major weakness. I like to indulge in bubble tea. Sure, I may order the less sweet Honey Green Tea, opting for other toppings like jelly instead of pearl. However, it's still loads of calories, and it's impeccable that I cut down, if I want to be more healthy. Pronto!

Read more

Most of my time has been devoted to EV and AA, and most of the reading I do is to the both of them. Indulging in my own reading has been quite rare. I need to change that and try to read at least one novel a month. Move aside picture books!

Write more

I don't just mean blogging. I also mean writing creatively for myself, like poetry, which I used to write quite a bit.

Blog more from the heart

I noticed recently that I've been blogging more from the heart, sharing more of my life as a woman and a parent. I intend to continue this. This also means that I'll be more selective of the reviews I do, which is fine by me, for that's what my blog is about, me and my parenting journey. 

Be more on task 

Sometimes, I suffer from writer’s block (alternative interpretation: procrastinate). Well.. More than sometimes. I need to change that. Like for the past week, I did have a few blog posts to do, such as this 15 in 2015 post, but I've been sitting on my laurels and not doing them till I absolutely have to. I guess I haven't had the inspiration to write, as I was depressed by my grandmummy's stroke and also news of a friend's sudden passing. The realization that life is so fragile and unpredictable hit me, and I was too emotionally drained to even start writing. I still am, because grandmummy remains in a coma. I kept putting it off. Still, giving myself a kick in the back and writing this very post that I’ve committed to is helping me bring my brain juice back. I just need to be a bit more inspired and determined to be on task.

Have more me time with friends

I need to catch up with friends more, to join them for a drink or two in the evenings, or brunch on the weekends. Once in one or to months would be just right for me.

A happy & healthy hubby + me

Go for more dinner dates

Having two kids has zapped our energy. Usually, our dates involve a late night movie with hot dogs and drinks, when the kids are asleep. We need to have more dinner dates, have more romance, to chat and hold hands and look into each other's eyes. Even if it's just fast food. So it's a date dear?

Update our three-year family budget more regularly

We have a budget file that allows us to look ahead at our expected financial commitments for the current year and the next two years. Previously, I would update only at the beginning or end of the year. This year, I need to update it more regularly, so that we have a better financial picture, and will be able to plan better, and hopefully save more efficiently.

Try more yummy dishes

Hubby loves to eat, especially new and unique dishes. I intend to experiment more and try more new healthy dishes so that he gets to enjoy them after a hard day at work. I was never a good cook to begin with, though I can whip a couple of Cantonese/Teochew/Shanghainese dishes taught by my mum. So this will be rather a challenge to me. I need to also ensure that they are healthy for the kids to enjoy. Plus, simple enough so they are quick to prepare and cook.

Happy & healthy kids + me

More visits to the library

We don't go to the library often enough, and this should definitely be done differently. What we do now is to gather all the library cards that we can have access to, and borrow heaps of books at one go. But at the rate that EV and AA devour them, we need to add more trips. It's good for me too, as I can borrow more books for myself and read more.

Be home by 5pm everyday 

Ok, this is going to be a tough one for a full-time working mother, but never say never. Where possible, if there are no meetings or additional activities, I need to be home by 5pm, so that I can devote time to do home learning with EV and AA. Or just playing games and being silly. They will not be 5 and 3 years forever.

Explore more themes

Our home learning has been rather ad hoc, basically simple subject-focused activities. It's time to up the notch. Last year, we tried a theme-based study on farms, and created a cardboard farm. The kids loved it. So this year, as the focus turns to themes, there needs to be a bit more planning and preparation. One theme I'm planning for this year is earth. After that, based on what they learn about earth, we can move on to something that the kids choose.

Disconnect to connect
I already avoid using mobile devices as much as possible when I'm with the kids, but I think I can do more. This means less checking of Facebook and Instagram when the kids are around. It also means even more opportunities to do fun and relaxing things as a family, like going to the seaside to watch the boats go by which we absolutely enjoy. More perfect days like this please!

So there! My list of 15 in 2015. Looks like a lot, but I'm sure if I take teeny tiny steps, I'll get there. Jia you!

Do you have 15 things you want to do differently in 2015?

Read how 33 other Singapore Mom Bloggers are doing things differently and be inspired to make positive changes in yours and your families' lives.

Next on the ’15 Things I will Do Differently in 2015′ Blog Train will be Dominique of Dominique’s Desk.

Dominique Goh, full time blogger and mom to three. She blogs about her passions and interests in education, parenting and photography over at Dominique's Desk

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